In the field, in the room, in the conversation.

We have become a society of triggers.

Road rage. Neighbors calling the police on each other. Social media threads that exist purely to provoke. We have reached a point where people feel they can say just about anything — especially online — without consequence.

So what do we do?

A good friend once told me something I have never forgotten: nobody got you angry. You got yourself angry. Because people trigger us when they know they can. And so they do.

I am a father of a teenager. I find myself triggered sometimes by nothing more than a look — a certain tone, a voice that goes an octave higher. If it can happen to someone who has spent 25 years in professional conflict resolution, it can happen to anyone.

Here are three things I have learned.

1. Don't react — breathe. Before you respond, center yourself. Remind yourself that you do not know what kind of day the other person is having. What triggers they have already absorbed. Whatever they are doing, they are probably not doing it to you — they are reacting to a messy world. Breathe in. Hold for a few seconds. Exhale. Let silence be a shield.

2. Listen for what is behind the words. Every message carries more than its literal content. Behind the words that trigger us there is usually a self-revelation — something the other person is feeling or fearing — and a request — something they actually need. We almost always focus on the words and miss the meaning. Before you respond, ask a question. Give the other person a chance to reflect on what they are actually trying to communicate.

3. Respond with care. The Quaker adage gives us a useful filter: is it kind, is it truthful, is it helpful? If what you are about to say does not pass all three, hold it. When you do speak — name what happened, say how it made you feel, and make a request. It does not always work. We are all human. But that is the journey.

Peace is not just something we build between communities and nations. It starts in the moments when someone gives us a look we do not like — and we choose, in that fraction of a second, how to respond.

That is where it begins.